If you are a black woman, you are very aware of the unique and often times unpleasant experiences we tend to have in the dating world. Even at a young age, we become painfully aware, especially if we are of a darker complexion and unique appearance, that we have less value than our peers. However, as hard as it may be, I have recently adopted a new perspective that I believe every black woman should live by.
Backstory
To understand why this new perspective is so crucial, you must understand just how much being devalued and disrespected takes a toll on us Black women. Personally, I have been called a man several times, had my appearance made fun of via social media and to my face and even laughed at by a crush because I had the nerve to find him attractive. It’s easy to blame the victim and say “Well, what did she do to deserve it?” And to that, I say, seriously? Black women who do not have light skin, aren’t 5 foot 3, and don’t have 3c hair are hated for simply just existing, and if you haven’t noticed that, you are the problem.
On the micro, I have noticed guys for example holding the door for other women, but not for me. If I am struggling to carry in groceries they don’t offer assistance as they would to Sally, because I am a “Strong black woman.” On the macro, advocating for ourselves leaves us with an ‘aggressive’ stereotype. We are paid less than our peers and disrespected in many professional spaces. Our tears are comical, and mean nothing in comparison to our white peers.
Dating
So, now that you are caught up I’m sure you can conclude that these stigmas and pure dismissal make dating for black women very hard. Black women want to be respected, protected, loved, and valued just like any other woman. However, because we don’t often experience that healthy love, we tend to accept much more abuse and disrespect because we are so desperate to be seen.
Redirection. Not Rejection.
As I said before, I have had very limited positive interactions with men. I often feel undesirable because that’s all I hear from the opposite sex, often in the form of a black male. I used to internalize these comments and believed that their derogatory opinions were a reflection of me. I was wrong.
When I took a step back and looked at the bigger picture, I realized that every man I found attractive who ultimately ended up hurting, rejecting, or disrespecting me, was actually a blessing in disguise. It doesn’t matter how you look, in no world would I want to be with any man who was so insecure, vile, and cruel. Looks fade, but an ugly heart lasts forever. Being an ‘undesired’ black woman is the strongest protection against the low-value men all around us. These men show us who they are way before anything could occur and therefore we don’t waste any precious time on them. My future husband won’t be a man that treats me with respect just because he finds me attractive, but is vile and cruel to someone who he doesn’t find attractive. The man I end up with will be a high-value one, a respectful one, an attractive one, and most importantly one with a beautiful heart.
Conclusion
I know it’s easy to compare yourself to your peers and the constant attention that they get. However, those men are often of very low caliber. Not all attention is good attention. You are playing the long game, and until your time comes, you’re letting the trash take itself out. You got this, beautiful!
